Monday, August 20, 2007

Web as Weaving


There is no doubt that apart from Gellibrand being a beautiful nature region it is also the home of many many spiders. They weave their webs anywhere and everywhere.

When I set out on the road to creating and making a living from my creations I imagined myself having a studio- but instead I find myself in ever smaller spaces in which to create work- and in one word it is making me very depressed along with the many other things that have happened to family in the last 12 months. We have dealt with a governmental system that sees parents have no rights not even in the mental health care of a child whom the parents believe has problems- I have seen my middle daughter once in 10 months because she refuses to come home- not once has she given a reason apart from a blanket statement which is not borne out by the evidence and which everyone apart from her agrees is not borne out by the evidence, even the government department we are dealing with.It makes me incredibly sad and yes I am grieving. The thing that is hard to deal with everyone says it is for the best ( and I have to say many people ignore it completely- not one word of sympathy or care or even asking how the other children are faring)- and in some ways maybe that is true but another part of me keeps asking how did it go so wrong- and what do I do with this love that I have? I know it stays but sometimes it seems to be too much too bear.

So to ever decreasing space. My husband has all but taken over my shed ( true some of my things are still in there)it was going to be my wonderful studio- a space to work and teach- and now I am in a small space at the back of the house with lousy natural light, and nowhere near enough space to envision anything. I gave up my other workspace to my eldest daughter who really needed her own space- it was high time. But how can I work in this space???

Bring on the warm weather and sunshine- at least there is no shortage of outdoor space here- but it keeps on raining and it is cold ( August is usually the coldest month) so no hope of doing any work outside. What webs we weave in our lives. I had not imagined myself in this place, in this space,in this state of mind.
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marja-leena said...

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak and difficulties over your daughter. Finding enough workspace for yourself is frustrating too. I hope things will improve in the coming year!

joyce said...

I hope things improve with your daughter and that you are somehow able to connect with her. Gloomy weather makes it difficult not too feel gloomy too.

Anonymous said...

You inspired me to move off the beaten track with quilting many years ago with a simple pattern in AQ&P - turtles and pinwheels on a beach and sea background - reading your blog recently with the lovely cloth dolls and watching your embellishment and embroidery create such beauty with fabric has refreshed me again from an exhausting and difficult time in my life. I too have teenagers, 3 of them. While basically loving children, two of them will not approach each other with anything bar anger and jealousy - no real reason and no peace between them.
Love does hurt so much sometimes and I can only wish you, somewhere, somehow, connection and healing with your daughter again.
Too, I understand the small, dark places to create in - I wish you good spaces there soon also.

kristin L said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your middle one is still away. Based on the smile on your oldest though, you must be doing something right. And giving your space to her is a very loving thing to do. Like Joyce says, gloomy weather exacerbates gloomy moods, and if August is the coldest month, then it can only get warmer from here -- right? Hopefully a respit in sunny France will warm your spirit :-)

Olga said...

Dijanne, you were the first blog I came across when I started this wondrous means of communication, and I was instantly entranced, educated, excited, encouraged .... I am sad that you are in a horrid place right now, made worse I suspect by a feeling of helplessness - that would certainly be true in my case.

The place to work thing is so important. I too am being marginalised - by my own forced choice, in that I have moved my computer out of my studio which is now only my sewing room, so that I can encourage my mother to make it her bedroom rather than having her bed in her sittingroom. And even with that small move I feel disjointed, so how much worse it must be for you!

I cannot imagine how you must be grieving for your daughter, and how really helpless that must make you feel. I have a difficult emotional relationship with my mother which made me decide at a very early age never to have children. My mother has never known,and still does not know how she destroys me. I kept her happy when I was young, looking forward to leaving when I got married, but as luck would have it my sense of responsibility has brought her to live with us until she dies.

I was DESPERATE to leave my parents, but it would have devasted them, so I escaped in my head and punished my body. It is too late now for honesty as it would hurt my mother immeasurably - but I believe that expressing the honest feelings is very important.

Of course I have no idea of your particular details, but perhaps you could help yourself cope by writing letters which you don't send to your daughter expressing how you feel.

Well, we women are good at surviving - be kind to yourself, and just go for that yurt!!

Claire said...

Dijanne, I am so sorry that your daughter is still away. And I feel your utter frustration too.

One of my favourite authors Carol Sheilds wrote a novel called 'Unless' along similar themes to what you are experiencing. I have to admit that I don't know if it would be of any help, but I'd be happy to send you my copy if you are interested.

Now, onto the shed... I remember from day one that this was intended to be your studio. Why has your partner taken it over? Is it possible to negotiate/communicate your need for this space.

Your career is centered around creativity and from my experience, it is very difficult (impossible?) to sustain a practice without a workable space.

And finally. Have you considered finding someone, a psychologist or councilor to have a chat with? I recently set up some time with a psycologist to try and find a way of dealing with some dreadful low periods and it feels good to be working through things.

ES said...

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I have a daughter who is bipolar and it took 4 years to get her properly diagnosed and on the right medication. She left home many times and finally moved out during her 3rd year of high school. We became a squeaky wheel at the hospital with weekly visits for several years.
The most important thing for you to remember, is that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your daughter has health problems. Seeing a therapist yourself or talking to a friend or someone who can give you moral support and remind you of this is very important for both your health, and that of your family.
I managed to keep in touch with my daughter through her absences from home and we now talk daily. She is due to move away to college next week and although I know I will worry I am happy that she is on her way.
Tell your daughter you love her whenever you can, and that you will always be there for her, and keep on being the squeaky wheel with the doctors.

I also hear you re studio space, I quit my job when my daughter started having problems 7 years ago with the idea of setting up a studio to work full time on my own art work. However bills needed to be paid and I started working for a friend doing custom work out of my basement. I'm still doing it in my tiny room (9'x9') and have given up on my own textile work as I can't face the thought of going back down to the basement in the evening, after spending all day there. ( It is an unfinished space with 6 1/2 foot ceilings)
The yurt sounds like a great idea.
I hope things improve soon. I'll be sending you good thoughts.

jude said...

i love watching your creative stream an i can totally relate to heartbreak and tough times, but i see you are shining through it, all the same.
regards and good luck....