Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Travellers'Medallion Finished



I finished the Traveller's Medallion but must admit to suffering a bit of a crisis of confidence whilst making it and I still have not resolved what I think. The thought struck me, as I was stitching last night; that this is nothing but a flaming potholder- what am I doing here??Yes I enjoyed the stitching and dit did start to speak to me more as I stitched- giving some sense of the traveller who might have worn this medallion. The medallion is for sale- it measures approximately 10 inches square si entirely hand stitched and is made form my own hand dyed and printed fabrics. The price is $130 US inclusive of postage.

I think my crisis was exacerbated by another crisis of confidence in my personal life. Last week we had a "care" meeting regarding my middle daughter, who after our travels in Europe decided when we returned home, that she did not want to live at home- she disappeared two weekends running after we were back without telling me where, although we have a fair inkling where she was. The meeting got a bit contested because my intuition says there is something more at play than sheer wilful teenage behaviour and I actually voiced it out loud after my daughter alleged that my sanity should be examined and after it was suggested that my daughter should self determine whether the counselling she had been having should continue without reference to the gp who is prescribing anti-depressant medication (because the counselling agency involved cuts out when the child turns 16). Things progressed downhill from there and I walked out of the meeting because I was suffering such a severe anxiety attack that at one stage I thought it was something else. I walked out saying I had three children and I loved each of them. But I am tired of two years of hell that there is still this rankling in the air. I have tried , and it is wearing me down, and I have to let go. It is a strange kind of grief to let go of a living child who for whatever reason refuses to be a part of the family that I had hoped to raise- who refuses her siblings . The bureaucracy says I "favour" the other two children but in all reality all I am trying to do is keep a bit of an even keel and right now they need their mother back .

All of this takes up so much space that I am finding it very diffcult to work at all- though I have to put one slow foot forward and start.
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19 comments:

marja-Leena said...

I am so sorry, what a rough time you are having, Dijanne!

Judy said...

Dear Dijanne,

I do feel for you these family problem have us living on an emotional edge, which does affect our sense of self so creative endeavours are problematic and difficult as we lose sight og our talent

Ildi said...

I have no children myself but really feel sorry for the trouble that you are undergoing now.

Helen Suzanne said...

hugs

Chris Gray Textile Art said...

Sometimes you just have to admit to yourself that it ISN'T your fault - I say "admit" because as mothers, we sometimes try to take responsibility for absolutely everyone around us!
Maybe, too, it's time to say " Ilove you to bits, and I'll always be there if you need me - but if you don't think you need me then that's fine too - I still love you!" Just make sure that whenever you speak to her, your last words are never the kind that can return to haunt you later - it's sometimes difficult to stop the anger, but for your own sake, keep them kind.
I lost my son a few years back - and whilst there are always the what-ifs and only ifs etc I can at least say that the last time we spoke I told him that I loved him, and was looking forward to seeing him again. One week later he was gone.
I hope this doesn't alarm you too much with it's gloomy message - but it's just my way of trying to say "be gentle with yourself".

carrie said...

Sometimes you just need to let them go so you can concentrate on yourself and your other children. Some good advice above. Hugs for you at this time

Leisurely Lesley said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. To some extent, I have a sense of how you feel. At different times, my two daughters put me through a living hell and many times I escaped to the cliffs in utter despair. The good news is that they are now both very loving daughters with children of their own, and we are all very much involved in each others lives.

But I don't think I will ever forget the absolute trauma of teenage daughters.

Kim said...

D,

I said a prayer for you and your family.

Sonja said...

Dijanne, heel veel sterkte met alles.

Anonymous said...

They do grow up and you will forget this in time ....maybe you wont see a good outcome now just be there and talk when she is ready, in the meantime think about you and you art and it will get better...your work is beautiful be thankful you can get lost in that and pray your girl can find joy in some form of art or ?all the best. Irene

Quiltdivajulie said...

Purposely have not read the earlier comments...

My heart goes out to you.

We have an adult son (now 27) who suffers with bipolar disorder and a host of other mental issues (anxiety, etc.). We have lived through so many years of proverbial and literal hell before and since his diagnosis; afraid to answer the phone, being on-call 27/7, car accidents, and wondering when the other shoe will drop. After 10 years of treatment and family and/or individual therapy, we now live a quasi-normal life but old trauma is SO easily brought to the top again. He is living independently and functioning well most of the time, but his mood swings still wreak devastation and havoc (he is compliant and his issues are medically managed).

I feel for you with your other two children: Our older son (30) is now married to a wonderful woman and they, thankfully, are okay (despite some pretty rocky times when he was in college and his brother was at the peak of his problems).

Please, do not feel that you have to do this alone... it is hard and emotionally devastating and you need someone who is there for YOU. For those of you (aside from the problem daughter) left to cope, I cannot recommend family therapy strongly enough. It takes a village to cope... having a wise and compassionate person to listen is priceless as you struggle to come to terms with daily events.

May your stitching and fabrics provide you an oasis of comfort~ and do allow this emotional distress to vent itself through your work...(I've been following your blog for a while now and your traveler's pieces have inspired me to create a piece for my daughter in law with fabrics she brought back from her Asian trip).

Blessings to you... take care!

Diane said...

My daughter ran away at 14. She was gone for three weeks. It was the same year I split with my husband and I blamed it on that (wrongly so) I remember my son and I sitting on the couch at Christmas trying to pretend everything was ok. When she came back it was only for a short time and then back out on the streets. I struggled with that child for three years and shed many a tear. I can say though, now that we have come through the darkness that my daughter still loves me and insists that what happened was not because of me or her family life. We are once again close. PLease dont despair. As long as you dont burn your bridges there can be hope there in the future but I strongly agree with you that your other children need you just as much. YOu can only do so much and then you have to let things sort themselves out! My thought are with you this week.

Shirley Goodwin said...

(((((hugs)))))

Linda said...

I suspect your 'pot holder' isn't a potholder at all, it's probably a small piece of sanity at a very difficult time. You obviously have three loved and loving children. The fact that one of them is going through troubled and worrying times doesn't mean the end of that love - why else would she re-appear at intervals? Go with your gut instincts, keep yourself sane, keep yourself strong. The bureaucracy will see and say what they will - but it is your life not theirs.

Fiber Focus said...

What a tough year you have had! Mine has not been easy either, but it's mainly financial distress, much different from all the emotional turmoil you have had in deciding where to live and how to parent. Aaargh! I don't know how you can do any art work at all! But, like the others have said, it's good therapy.

My sister-in-law had a son who acted out in every way until he was 18. He had been institutionalized by the state for stealing, was drinking a lot, doing drugs, etc. He was released when he was 18 and had another tough year getting back into society, but then something clicked in him- I think his hormones settled down and he became an extremely talented carpenter. With all the depression in the housing industry here, he has jobs lined up and is winning awards.

That doesn't always happen with troubled teens, but sometimes it does. I just close my eyes and send you a soft prayer that you may have the strength and wisdom to continue to love in whatever way each of the three needs. These are very confusing times for all of us. Throw some hormones and what-not into the mix- yish...

The "potholder" is beautiful! Love the colors!

Aussie Jo said...

Hi Dijanne,
Your traveller quiltie is just wonderful.
Some children just seem to need more love and reassurance than others. I think that when they are pushing you away that is when they really need you to say 'I'll always love you'. You have done the right thing. If you give her space I'm sure she'll come back to you.

jude said...

the piece is wonderful. my heart wishes you well in hopes that you and your daughter can find peace somehow. sometimes a bit of space helps.

The Idaho Beauty said...

A flaming potholder? I think not. Perhaps it could benefit from mounting in a frame. It's such an interesting piece, as all your work is.

As for the beaurocracy - ignore them. Don't let them make you doubt yourself. I've seen this too many times where "experts" come in with their theories and limited observations and determine the parents are to blame. Without living through it, they cannot know, but only guess what has transpired. It's sounds like you are doing everything possible to try to make this work. There's a limit to what you can make happen, and the rest you have to make peace with.

Sara Lechner said...

I love this one, the stitching on the fabric is so textural.